Bhaiya

If tears could build a stairway,
and memories were a lane,
I would walk right up to heaven
to bring you home again.
No farewell words were spoken
no time to say goodbye
you were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
My heart still aches in sadness
and secret tears still flow,
what it meant to lose you,
no one will ever know.

I feel something that I've truly lost my way...sometimes its hard to make it through the day...when i have a chance to sit and think i stare ahead and lose myself into space....my heart is loudly crying out for you...my soul is crying out for that unconditional love only a mother can give...I don't know how I've made it this long and kept myself so strong...I guess i am still in hopes that one day you will be my mom unconditionally... It's been so hard without you by my side...you are a part of me no matter what... a piece of my soul... until you find me i will be nothing... I am so sorry that I didn't try harder and one day I hope you will know that i never wanted anything bad to happen to you...even though it tore my world in two I couldn't ever imagine putting you in a bad situation so i just put up with the pain...I want you to know wherever you are you are always here in my heart...and that I'm leaving this in god's control that one day he'll send my mom back to me ... my love for you will never end....just know that a daughters love is forever

Tears fall..streaming down an already burdened face as feelings of helplessness overwhelms me.... I wish with all my might that I could take your pain away...many questions are asking but none of the answers seem to make any sense to us... what went wrong? how did this happen? Was it something I have done? Could I have prevented it? Nothing that can be sad to ease the heavy load which fills your heart...Faith....nearly a distant memory as everything is drained from your soul....yes... I cried for you... and another day has come and gone and yet I still cry for you

Four o'clock in the morning
Afraid to open my eyes
Another day of grief,
A day of fear.
All alone I feel.
I try to justify all the pain,
All of this guilt before my eyes.
Another day of confusion,
A day of wondering.
Is it ever just going to go away?
All this pain that I feel,
And all this anger, is it going to stay?

Ten o'clock in the evening,
Afraid of the nightmares.
Again my breathing stops.
All I can do is stare into the night.
What is it that causes this feeling?
Another night of crying,
A night of hiding,
Alone once again.
My heart feels empty,
And I can't cry another tear.
Another day wasted on insecurity,
A day of wonder.
Is this ever going to end?

I was only 2 when it began... when I was so innocent you preyed on my innocence and my trust... How was I supposed to know that it was wrong? you did things so horrible to me.. My soul and body were bared... what you did to that little girl left me feeling scared and alone... you said it was to show your love...but now I know... you abused me !!... All the dirty things you did to me won't wash away. I hope that you hurt just as much as I do...do you even remember what you did and the pain you caused to a little girl? The physical scars you put on my body has healed ...but the pain still shows inside...

How do you walk away from someone you love? Can you re-route the course you have taken and start over? I don't really want to let you go... My heart says stay but my mind says no... and I need to trust my mind... We have shared so much together...laughter...fun times...tears... yeh sometimes we can't turn back time... we must just walk away... I know one day you will be happy without me...May life be gentle with you... May god's best come your way... and on some quiet tomorrow I hope god shows you that things were better like this...

lost

My Angel...
Where are you?
I'm lost, confused, alone...
I cannot see you...
There is darkness around me;
The fire has died, my light blown away
By an unwanted breeze...
I am wandering, going around and around
in circles...
Is there no end to this loneliness?

My Angel...
Where are you?
My heart is sad, it cannot hear your songs.
All I hear is the echo of your love,
Its melody fading...
Fading...
Fading...

Now there is only silence, maddening silence.
It is suffocating, draining my heart of your songs...
Is there no escape from this madness?

My Angel...
Where are you?
I am cold...
I cannot feel your wings around me,
Cannot feel your loving arms to embrace me...
There is only emptiness...
Emptiness that pulls, and pushes, and shoves...
The emptiness is within me, devouring me whole,
Leaving nothing left but an empty soul...
Where are you, my Angel? Come to me, fill me up with your love... Make me
whole again...
Do not leave me in this pit of despair...

My Angel...
Where are you?
I cannot see you, hear you, feel you...
Have you gone away from me? have you taken away my heart...

... My Angel,

... where are you?

where do i go now? koi yeh kiun nahi samajhta k jab apne phoolon se bhi maarte hai bahut jyada dard hota hai? am i wrong for feeling hurt? i don't know... I guess i'll never know... oh well

i sit still in a corner and sing myself to sleep.... i think of all the promises everyone made... but no one kept... I walked through life unoticed knowing that no one cares.....I sat all alone with no one there wanting to talk to someone... I went through life one day at a time always glowing with confidence... i was happy... at least thats what i led others to believe... in reality i was hurt.... but when i cried for help no one cared... others tore at my spirits simply because they felt they could.... i never wanted sympathy.. i jus wanted someone who understand how badly i wanted to laugh and be loved...

.... ok so today was a weird day... i don't know why i was feeling sad all day...and today when mommy hugged me i wanted to jus break down and cry in her arms ...after so long mujhe itne pyar se mumma ney hug kiya... aaj bahut pareshaan ho... i feel like jus killing myself... maybe its bcuz i dont know how to accept what is... i should learn to accept what is and stop blaming others for my sadness... i will try my best to work at it... but its hard to accept some things sometimes.... i jus want a hug :(... a good one.. like someone means it ... oh well.. kya karein...

ok so last night i had a dream that me seema and mom were at mommys old house... i kept feeling sick to my stomach... i ran out the door to get fresh air and seema came running after me..right as mom came out i started vomitting... i got so sick....i talked to someone about the dream and they said it represents something that somebody is doing that i cannot accept... it means someone in my life is doing something that I don't agree with and its making me stick to my stomach just to think about it... whatever this person is doing is extremely disturbing to me and i can't figure out what to do with the stress and emotions. another weird dream :P I should write a dream book

so last night i had a weird dream....i had a dream that i was walking down the street with my mom and she left me to go into a store really fast. i looked ahead and i saw a lady that I had never seen before in my life get into a car accident...i go running to her and she dies in my arms... i talked to someone about it and they said i should start jotting down my dreams....they said my dream basically meant that i feel as if i am losing a motherly nurturing figure in my life...they said females in dream usually represent a nurturing figure or some type of security that only a mother can provide...weird dream eh? oh well... we'll see whats next

I stand and fall behind your shadow... i wonder... do i look like you? why am i so stupid? why do i put up with everyone's shit? did i get it from you? Its a tough battle and I feel so small... my feelings towards you you might think are dumb... but im sad.. confused... and hurt... when i needed a mom you were not there....was it something I did or said or you just didn't want a kid? Its too late now and it will never be the same... I look for a mothers love but it will NEVER be the same...without knowing who you are I feel like I don't know myself... I always wonder what you could be like... did you ever wonder how things could have been? no one is there to show me the way.... how am i supposed to know? I don't know what to do or where to go... I thought parents were the guiding hand... Am i supposed to try and make it alone with nothing to fall back on? it seems no matter how hard I try I just end up back at the beginning...Ok god... I have tried everything I know... where do i go from here? you are supposed to have the answers but why don't you give it to me? hello mom...goodbye mom...that's all i remember... you brought me into this world... i wish you hadn't.... its a cruel and unforgiving place where no one but my shadows hear me cry... people say they will always be there but i have heard that lie so many times... where were you mom when i needed you? you look like your mom sairah lol... to be like you I'd rather be dead... what mother you know would abandon there kid? probably a lot more then you would ever think eh?

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE :( I DONT KNOW WHERE TO GO NOW :( I HATE BEING JUST A PART OF SOMEONES LIFE FOR FUN...WHAT TO I DO NOW????? GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD I NEVER ASKED YOU FOR ANYTHING... I NEVER DID... BUT NOW YOU ARE ALL I HAVE LEFT... WHO DO I TRUST NOW??? WHO??? PLEASE TELL ME :((....I'M LOST AND I'M DYING......I WISH I COULD DIE... I REALLY WISH I COULD....BUT NO ... NOT HERE... NOT NOW... WHEN I GO HOME... BUT NOT NOW.... I LOVE MY FAMILY TOO MUCH FOR PEOPLE TO SAY SHE DIED IN THERE CARE.. NO... NOT NOW

Things I figured out

1) now I know why you used to get so angry when I used to sleep too close to you
2) now I know why you used to come home so late when you went to drop my sister to the station
3) now I know why you had been acting different with me since i came
4) now I know why you always wanted me to go out by myself or with my sisters or friends
5) now I know why every time we asked you to go somewhere with us you always made excuses and sent us alone
6) I am yours but I am with condition


Things that hurt

1) I thought you could never lie... I trusted you blindly... put all my faith in you... I thought you could never do anything wrong.. that there was nobody as pure and as innocent as you in this world... if you would have told me the sky is falling I would have believed it... but you shattered those thoughts of mine... now who do i trust? :( I want to be able to trust you... you were the only person in the world that I could trust more than anything... I want to be able to trust you.. but can I?

2) When I was sick I was in so much pain... I wasn't feeling good at all...but you let me go through 2 days of pain... and you told me I could have made you better the first day but I couldn't because the girls would have gotten angry.. so because they would have gotten angry you let me suffer for two more days?

3) you said you were having problem because you couldn't talk to him because I wouldn't sleep in another room... I wanted to sleep with you... ya...i did...my bad !!!

4) you couldn't talk to him because I was using your phone... you should have told me in the beginning itself... I wouldn't have even touched your phone... I would have gotten one of my own...

5) its just wrong !!! :(

I know you don't mean it and I know you try to keep me out of harms way but it all hurts... Maybe i jus have too much expectations? I don't know... Maybe its just my faith? Could be... Maybe I am jus not meant to have any bit of security and happiness in my life? .... ya that sounds about right...anyways for now

Over and Out

No one there to hug me at night,
No one to tell me it'll be all right.
Even though those words are a lie
It'd be at least something while I lay there and cry.

Never just one thing at once,
Three major crises in a matter of months.
Why am I punished for being so nice
Punished not just one, not even just twice.

Body and mind falling apart
Can't keep up the pace
May as well retire
No point running the race

Cos whats at the end but to be alone still
Just don't think I have enough will.

I'm broken, cut, and bleeding,
On the inside of my heart.
All because of what you done
It really tore me apart.

I try to move on ,
I try to get on with my life,
But it seems no matter what I do, I think of you,
And it makes me want to cry.

What you did was very wrong,
It shocked me in the worst possible way.
You being the person you were never would have done the things you did,
Or would have said the things you did say.

It seems so unbelievable,
That you could betray me like this.
I trusted you so much,
You gave me so much happiness and bliss.

My cuts will heal eventually,
They will turn into ugly scars.
All except a few that were left by you,
And they will stay forever on my heart.

I'm hurt all the time.
I don't want to cry for the way I feel inside.
I just want someone to hold me...
I'm alone in the dark, please try to find me.
If no one cares, I don't see a point to go on.
Anyone find me! Anyone care!
I'm sorry, I just don't want to be alone anymore.
I feel unheard and unseen. Depressed and weak.
No one cares and yet I'm always the sorry one.
Someone find me! I'm scared.
Please hold me until it all ends.
Just hold me that’s all I want.
I don't want to be alone in the dark.
Just hold me as I start to disappear from the light.
Just hold me as I start to cry.
Just hold me so I wont be alone inside.
Just hold me so I don't do something wrong.
Just hold me so tight, that for a moment I could feel the light....

how do i deal with this pain?

The smile you once put on my face is now beginning to fade. I wished for things to return to how they once were... for us to be the carefree people we used to be...to have that laughter and happiness and joy brought back... but the more i hope for things to get better the bigger turn for the worst things seem to take. My mind tells me to run away and leave this behind but something else inside me says I can't turn away....so I stay and come apart a little bit every day still trying to hang on to my life's thread...yet slipping down inch by inch nearing the bottom... I try climbing up but the memories of what we were and are not keeps dragging me down...I want to get all these feelings off my mind but every time I go to speak the words stick in my throat. Tears come out instead leaving crystal streams on my cheeks... the red rivers that once flowed so gently through my veins now turn black....the one I trusted more then anything in this world... did that person really change or is it my imagination getting the best of me? do i still have that security..that love? I don't know...i guess only time will tell... I begin to think and my thoughts only make my heart heavier...how is it that I am trapped in this eternal darkness? the one you took me out of you put me back in? how did my once bright world just shatter into a dark cave? was it my fate to hurt and be hurt by the ones closest to me? my mind chooses to stop fighting this losing battle but my heart stays at the front line...taking hit after hit...refusing to walk away...knowing that it could mean death...so all i can do is stand here and cry out for help... but who do i cry to? i have no one to trust anymore. why cry out when there is no one around to hear? I lay still as the final beats of my heart echo...the shattered pieces of my soul are crushed once again... Leaving no warm feelings in me anymore..only confusion..and hate that it took all that time for me to be built up..by your kindness..
Yet all it took were a few words and actions..to break me apart..

Confusion...Confusion...Confusion!!!!

Question of the day: Dil wohi kyu chahta hai jo mumkin hi nahi?......
Possible Aanswers:
1. Dil ko shayad lagta hai ki woh mumkin hai?
2. Dil ka bheja fry hai or according to Yashraj Dil toh pagal hai.
3. Dil ko aur koi kaam nahi hai....ek dum vella hai.
4. Dard-e-dil insaan ki kismat mein hai as a default..u cant escape.
5. Dil bohot fragile hai....mast nahi reh sakta...jo chahta hai woh nahi mila toh it should say 'oh well'
I will think abt more answers so....picture abhi baaki hai dosto.....